I am resurecting this. I am going to make this a habit again.

The trip to the gyno today and some brimming emotions and a new borrowed computer with a constant connnection are making me do it.

In regards to the gyno, I never thought I would say this, but I have no more fear. It's amazing when you have something good you just know it and as retarded as it sounds it's like a relationship I wish I had with all of my nears and dears and that's only after one visit.

Moving forward... The whole reason for the gyno visit was because a.) I haven't been for about 4+ years and b.) I'm in a new relationship that I want to be the relationship of my lifetime and c.) I'm finally at a place in my life where I care enough about me to do it. So here I am.

I have a lot of emotions brimming right now. There are things in my horizon that I'm not a hundred percent certain about, but that I want to be a hundred percent certain about. I've been in a similar place before, but it's not the exact same place and I'm dealing with some self doubt. I'm doing what I can to put this all to rest, but it's not as easy as just venting in my diary.

There is you. You that I didn't want to get involved with. At first it was beacause I thought you were too old. Then when I realized you weren't it was because I was just getting out of a long term relationship that sucked and really who needs another one of those? Then it was a matter of geography and the fact that you and I don't share a common zip code. And the list goes on... Somehow despite all of that I fell in love with you and your obnoxiousness and your attitude and your ability to make me want for more. As much as I hate it, I love it and you more than I ever thought I could or would. You are it. I want nothing more than you and a way for 'us' to happen. So don't worry about all the things in between here and there. I know it's not going to be easy. I know it's not what I signed up for. But I do know that if I don't do what I can to make it work I will always wonder what might have been. And I will always be sad about it. You are my match. I don't want to look any more. I wasn't looking when I met you, but I know I found what I was meant to find in meeting you and I think you know that I'm right. I don't want to worry about the small details, I don't want get hung up in the 'what ifs' all I want is to be with you and have a life with you. And us living this far apart is not a life and it's barely a relationship. I love you. I want to be where you are. I want to share the same space as you and I don't care that it means leaving the only comfortable space that I know. But having said all of this, if there ia any doubt on your end you need to tell me now. You know what I want and how I feel. I just need to know that we are on the same page. I am making a huge leap. But at the same time I know that for anything to become of us one of us would have to make that leap. I don't think there could be some sort of in between, either I make the leap or you make the leap, there's no in between for either of us. I am willing, if that is what you want. But if you're not sure then I think we should both move on. I love you.

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